* Moscow terror attack: President Putin calls for ‘Humanism, Mercy’ as death penalty debate grows     * No Immediate Relief From High Court, Arvind Kejriwal To Stay In Custody     * 2 gambling scandals are now threatening pro sports, and the problems may run deeper     * No immediate dollar estimate on bridge damage or timeline for reopening, Buttigieg says     * REQUIEM FOR A RAPPER: Sex trafficking investigation against Diddy heating up

MIND YOUR MIND

Posted in Body & Soul

Published on March 20, 2018 with No Comments

  1. It has been a long time that I have learnt that I do not have an impressive personality. This is the reason that people do not make friends with me in school, nor at work. Although, people at home and at workplace say I need to mingle with others but, nobody really smiles or laughs with me as they do with each other. I feel lonely in many ways!-SK

Hi, I wonder where have you learnt this from? Is it your parents or elementary school friends or teachers; who made you believe that you “do not” have an impressive personality. Or, is it your own head saying things to keep you away at a safe distance? Since you have written for help, I am glad that you have decided to move on beyond ‘your’ belief of your personality. First of all, ask yourself, “If this belief is helping me to feel less lonely or more? If this belief is bringing me close to others or keeping me away from people and making friends? If the answer is latter; please sit down for a few minutes every day and list the skills, qualities and strengths you have. After the exhaustive list, beginning from the things you have achieved or things you do well; add the qualities that make you unique. If you are kind, loyal or sincere in work or doing things at home, earn a living; are helpful to family, etc.  Ask yourself, are these not part of your personality?

As an individual, one behaves differently at different times and often behavior is the consequence of one’s opinion about oneself. If I think I am not pretty, my confidence in meeting new people and initiating conversations at a gathering will be low. This may make others who see me feel that I am not interested in talking to them and they may stay away from me. So once people don’t seem friendly to me, I would continue to believe, “see nobody is interested in me because I am not pretty”!This way, I would continue to strengthen my belief that I am not pretty.

As I understand, there could be experiences in the past that did not make you feel good about yourself and you stayed on with the feeling, gradually converting into a belief. I would suggest you let go of the belief through the following three ways-

  • Look into the mirror and appreciate yourself of the qualities you have every morning. Follow this with writing down a list of positive qualities you have in your behavior and nature,
  • Communicate your appreciation to others around you(both at home and work) for their qualities , compliment people around you and
  • Journal a list of blessings every night before bedtime. Read them once, pay gratitude to the Universe and sleep.

If things begin to feel better, continue with these tips, else meet a psychotherapist or psychologist for psychotherapy.

Q- I have got sick of continued arguments and fights with my partner of 6 years. She was always short tempered but would apologize as soon as she realized her mistake. But now, it is only argument and it takes her a long time to let go and move on. She is unemployed and spends most time taking care  of our three years old daughter. I worry for my child’s future because even though she is 3, she seems to sense that we are not happy and in good mood. I want to save this relationship for the sake of good old times and our daughter but somehow do not like to come back home after work and face arguments. I am scared of even expressing this fear to her.- PP

Dear PP, there certainly appears a lack of communication which is essential for any healthy relationship. I wonder how she feels about expressing her concerns and complaints and about the needs of your daughter. Either ways, communication is important. I would suggest you tell her that you want to have one on one time to discuss something without getting into argument. When she agrees, communicate using “I statements” such as “I have been feeling lonely…or “I have been noticing our daughter getting neglected/ scared, etc…” Raise the question that is she also feeling as upset as you? Also try to discuss the possibility of seeing a couple therapist.

However, if things do not reach this stage, try to assess the emotional distance you feel with her, the nature and frequency of physical intimacy that you both enjoy, the care and concern she shows towards you and then take a decision. Going for individual therapy, if she does not agree for couple therapy is also a healthy alternative to clarify your feelings and get support to analyze your situation.

DISCLAIMER: The answers given in this column are not to be taken as a professional psychotherapy service.  It is completely educational in nature. Please note that each individual’s situation is different and one must consult a therapist for psychotherapy service or advice.

Rima Sehgal PhD

Registered Psychotherapist

rima.sehgal@fulbrightmail.org

 

No Comments

Comments for MIND YOUR MIND are now closed.